See this pillow? I woke up at least twice or maybe three times holding
it in a breastfeeding position. The last hold was a crazy contorted
hold, which I frequently use with my right arm stuck out like a
chicken wing.
I talked to the lactation consultant yesterday afternoon to refocus my
goals of bringing my milk in. Seems I have had a bit of trouble, which
I think stems from my lack of breastfeeding from the very beginning
after Lucy’s birth.
I guess that I should have skipped the AJ Jacobs book and skimmed the
hippie birthing book a little faster. Because the real trove of info
was found in the breastfeeding book. I packed both the birthing book
and breastfeeding book for the hospital. When I asked for it the first
night, Henry said I didn’t need it.
By the time I made it home from the hospital, he had checked a couple
out of the library for me and was reading passages out loud to me. Who
is this man? I have never been able to get him to summarize anything
for me since I’ve known him! Last night, he also talked to me in the
bed with the lights out for the first time ever. Having a baby really
does change things.
My breastfeeding book describes a lot of the symptoms I’ve faced with
Lucy. First she had a heavily medicated entrance into the world. When
I "should have been" feeding her, I was completely numb from the waist
down. I was scared to hold her. Plus the grandparents were there in
the delivery room and everyone enjoyed passing her around.
Second she was beat up from the forceps and we were both exhausted. We
just wanted to sleep. She had a headache and it hurt her little jaws
to eat.
Furthermore, she was three weeks early. Even though she was
technically a full term baby, she was a near term baby in other books.
One nurse kept cramming her head into my breast telling me that she
was old enough to know what she was doing. But when she would suck her
fist, she would try once and then fall asleep. The latch/suck/swallow
reflex was not working together.
But I still didn’t realize where things were headed. I guess because I
hadn’t read the book that described the sleepy baby syndrome and
extreme jaundice very clearly. We were going home on the 16th until
they came to me and said that Lucy was staying in the hospital because
she had jaundice, which makes her sleepy, which means she won’t eat,
which means she won’t poop, which means the jaundice gets worse, which
means she just sleeps…
Hence the chicken vs. the egg. I can only speculate where this went
wrong. Or it was completely inevitable. I don’t really care. I do know
that if she had listened to my inutero pep talks in the shower about
working together to get out of my body, some of the problems would
have been avoided – like the drugs and the bruises. Or if she had
listened to the doctor who turned her into position, but she just
rolled back over.
But as I’ve noticed so far, Lucy prefers to do things in her own time.
And she is incredibly observant. So I’m not surprised that she wanted
to see the look on everyone’s faces when she actually made it out on
my very last push before being rolled off for a c-section.
I pumped while she stayed to tan im the hospital nursery for three
extra days. But once she returned home, I didn’t keep it up. We were
feeding FOREVER. So I had no idea that she wasn’t stimulating my milk
production. At least not until after our lactation consultation on a
Friday night before a holiday weekend. Once I started pumping, my
numbers had totally dropped. Here is where the books are not helpful.
They all say "use it or lose it." That’s it. With reason after reason
with why it’s important to feed her immediately after birth. Only
buried in passages of various books did I find seeds of hope. But not
until after I had a total breakdown. I was completely devastated that
I had obliviously let my chances of breastfeeding pass me by. And it
was only slipping farther away everytime I supplemented with formula,
had visitors and skipped skin-to-skin interaction. This was insanity
at it’s best. An insightful article on breastfeeding in The Atlantic
helped me put things in perspective.
Yes, I suppose I do fall into the demographic the author describes in
the article. Unlike the author’s experience, I haven’t alienated any
of my friends who stopped breastfeeding for various reasons, including
many of the same ones I was facing. I knew that there was an even
chance that I
might not be able to breastfeed her for various reasons. Plus my mom
only breastfed me for eight weeks. And I certainly wasn’t going to let
my child die. We would figure out a way to pump her full of food
before it came to that point. But it did help me think about why I
felt so passionate about breastfeeding with all scientific evidence
(or lack of) set aside.
Convenience… Clear and simple. In three months, I would like to pick
her up, head across the neighborhood, and not have to worry about
washing bottles along with paint brushes at the studio. I’m all about
being light. In fact her name means light and merry. So I didn’t just
want to quit just like that. I was even on the fence about a
cesearean. I could have been swayed, except I just wanted one area to
heal. So once I started with the forceps, I wanted to finish there.
After emotionally bottoming out, I actually stopped reading the books
and read through a couple of my favorite art magazines, found another
class at Penland, and in general thought about life beyond now…
Could I go to Penland in August? Probably not, but I can dream. And it
lifted my spirits just enough to know that there is someone out there
who makes paper lanterns and homemade hot air balloons. And I can
learn from her.
So despite the book’s foreboding advice, there are some things I
learned. Adoptive mothers can breastfeed. Yes… That’s crazy. And
that fact gave me a lot of hope. I almost expected to read that a
transgender mom can breastfeed. Plus there is a term called
relactating. I don’t think that just because I didn’t pump for 24
hours and I let Lucy sleep for four hours between feedings that I
qualify as someone relactating. Like Taylor said, it’s supply and
demand. Instead of being frustrated by not having enough milk for her,
I read that Lucy was finally working with me to bring in the milk that
I need. Don’t just keep giving her more and more formula. Instead,
feed her more often.
So as I waited to hear from the lactation consultant, I made Henry
head out to Whole Foods to buy Mother’s Milk tea, which contains
fenugreek, an herb that enhances milk production. I also scheduled my
third postnatal acupuncture appointment. The first two did wonders for
my healing and recovery, aka pain and swelling. My brother was upset
when I shared how I tried to explain that I had hemroids and quickly
cut me off.
In preparation for my appointment, I printed out a diagram of a little
Chinese acupuncture model for low breast milk and showed it to Peter.
He said that he would do the acupuncture for low breast milk, but I
really need to eat pig’s feet soup. Plus whole milk, not low fat. And
eggs, lots of eggs. Maybe a half an hour after my appointment, I was
feeding Lucy once again, according to her on demand sucking. I
received a call from Mrs. Wu. She told me she had something special
for me and to send my husband over to the office next door. He
returned with a small paper bag of herbs for my pigs feet soup and a
jar of sweet rice pudding, which I am supposed to cook with eggs.
I finally spoke with my lactation consultant. She helped relieve my
fears. She knew all about the pig’s feet soup, which she said gives
you greasy breast milk. And while I’m out shopping for pig’s feet, I
could be pumping, which works. She gave me a focus and a plan. I’m
going to pump, pump, and pump. Yesterday I pumped 347cc and my goal is
700 a day. Not for today! So I pour little bottles into one another
and pour over the numbers I’ve logged into the spreadsheet seen at the
top of the screen. Then if she is alert, we can practice her
breastfeeding. But Daddy feeds her my milk from a bottle, otherwise.
Each day she is a little stronger and eats a little more. Which also
means she poops more, pees more and is even more alert after naps.
Plus I need a lot of skin on skin action with the little one. That’s
not so bad. She’s very sweet a
I am just looking forward to having my milk in and relaxing on the
pumping. Even better, when she is x months old and I can be a
recreational pumper, which is what I planned to be after taking the
breastpumping class. I hope that she will continue to be an excellent
sleeper beyond this early stage in her life. Because if there is
anything about this family, we like to sleep and that 3 am pump/feed
is very, very hard.
