You know that moment in the movie when the real fight begins-THE FIGHT- the moment when the underdog suddenly kicks ass into gear to change the direction of the ocean’s tide and you know it’s impossible yet you feel some power in the impossibility as though it is becoming fire in your own veins?
Will you recognize that kick ass moment when it comes to you in your own life? When your most hell defining moment is in front of you and you can either burn in the flames or become hotter and brighter- will you feel it? Will you rise to the moment? Will you fight for your gorgeous denoument or will you let it slip past you like a tepid stare?
I know my real fight is coming but isn’t here yet. I’m still invested in the downward spiral. Going down for the hundredth time- knocked out one more time- bruises showing shallowly on my face and hands. Oh yeah baby- black and blue in the ring! My kid and his what-ever-the-fuck has shoved me into the ropes and I’m sweatin’ it again. I know we’re headed for answers but in the meantime I know I’m no fit mother, I know I’m no fit human, I know I’m getting emptier and emptier handing out everything I’ve got.
The fight comes after. The fight comes when the answers start illuminating the page. The fight starts when the anger is ingnited beyond any suffocation. The fight starts when there is nothing left to do but claw back up the black hole. I have not come this far to give up, to throw my towel into the sweat pile.
Life should not be this god damned hard. But it is.
This is the moment in the movie when you wonder if it can get any worse for your underdog and it does. She gets fucking fatter, the boy chooses the cheerleader, every bet is off. She’s walking raw alleys and she’s got coal smudges under her eyes. She’s scraping her nails on the bricks and she’s got needles in her feet. It’s in the ash that she begins to understand what lengths she’s willing to go to to win.
Is your moment coming? If you need to feel it- listen to "The Quest" by Bryn Christopher.
I have come to understand tonight that I need to make a series of soundtracks in order to orchestrate what’s coming. Because what’s coming doesn’t know compromise. It doesn’t know a middle ground. I know that these muscles need to be made to move until they collapse. I know that everything has to be minimalized to its most elemental components so that no extra crap is hanging off the edges of my crazy.
I’ve got a lot of crazy.
Oh yeah. You have no idea!
It’s why I see the things I do.
I wish I could compile all the songs that share this power- the power of the underdog- the burning rush of life coming fast in technicolor. It’s different for each of us. What makes you feel it won’t necessarily be the same as what gets me up off the mat. I know I’m going to need to listen to this while walking with rockets on my feet alone. I am starting to believe that every moment I am not working and my kid isn’t home will need to be spent walking or doing lunges across my floor to blasting music.
The next few months are going to feel like scraping the barrel of my mind. The next few months are going to feel like skidding on the rocks of my bottom.
But make no mistake: I will rise predictably from the ashes a stronger hero and I will not recognize who I was before. I will shed myself like an amphibian. I will scrape off the underdog veneer and blind the sun.
If you want to know just how low I have to sink, just where my fears live, just what kinds of gravel thoughts I’ve had today, you’re going to have to tell me you need to hear it. You’re going to have to tell me that you need it because you are there with me. Otherwise I cannot say the most unsayable, I cannot speak what my rockbottom is whispering in my ear or I will be set outside alone, again, and I will not do it unless you are outside sitting with me in the 30 degree temperatures.
Know yourself. Right now. Know who you are and what you stand for. Know who you are and what you want because you have to know what to fight for if you plan to win. You have to see yourself on the other side. You have to see yourself as though there were two of you.
Scraping my nails on the bricks- it’s getting bloody in here.
The fire is burning in my nose- it’s getting into my lungs.
I’m only half standing.
How about you?
Now look up to the camera and show me your spirit! Show me your tiger! Show me how you’re gonna win against all odds! Show me how you’re gonna rise up and kick some fucking ass!
Cause I’m takin’ notes now.
Ignite!
